How to Talk to Your Parents About Elder Law Without Conflict
Discussing elder law with your parents can feel daunting. You worry about stepping on toes, sparking conflict, or making an already sensitive topic even more difficult. But as uncomfortable as these conversations might be, they’re essential for protecting your family’s future and ensuring your parents’ wishes are honored. With the right approach, you can navigate these discussions respectfully and productively.
Here are six strategies to help you talk to your parents about elder law without conflict:
1. Start Early, Before a Crisis
Timing is everything. Don’t wait for an emergency to initiate conversations about elder law. The earlier you start, the more time you and your parents will have to explore options, make informed decisions, and avoid rushed, emotionally charged choices.
A client of mine, Sarah, shared how she wished she’d started talking to her parents earlier. When her father had a sudden health crisis, they had no plan in place. The family scrambled to figure out finances and healthcare decisions, which added unnecessary stress during an already difficult time. Starting early could have made a world of difference.
So, how can you avoid Sarah’s situation? By starting to talk before a crisis hits.
Use natural opportunities to bring up the subject, such as after a friend’s experience with elder care or while discussing your own estate planning efforts. For example, you might say, “I recently updated my will and started thinking about long-term care options. Have you given any thought to this for yourself?”
We never know if, or when, a crisis will hit. But, we do know we can prepare for a crisis in case one does hit. Be prepared by starting before a crisis happens.
For my family, none of us expected that my dad would have a severe stroke shortly after he retired. As devastated as we were, we were all thankful he had his estate planning documents prepared before his stroke. Navigating his stroke these past twenty plus years have been so much easier having those documents in place.
2. Approach with Empathy and Respect
Remember, this is about your parents and their wishes. Avoid coming across as bossy or assuming control. Instead, emphasize your concern for their well-being. Use phrases like:
“I want to make sure we’re prepared for anything.”
“I’d love to know how you’d like things handled so we can respect your wishes.”
Your tone and body language matter just as much as your words. Stay calm, compassionate, and nonjudgmental.
One of my clients, James, successfully approached this conversation with his mom by asking a simple question: “What matters most to you as you get older?” That one question opened up a meaningful and productive dialogue where his mother felt respected and understood.
No one likes to be told what to do. And, no one likes to feel like someone is trying to control them. As we age, our independence is very important to us. We don’t like to admit that we might need help. Or, that we might be in a position where we are unable to make decisions for ourselves.
So, when talking to our elderly parents or spouse, remember to be kind. Remind them that by making these decisions, they are actually empowering themselves.
3. Share Stories, Not Lectures
Personal stories can be powerful conversation starters. If you know someone who benefited from proper elder law planning—or struggled without it—share that story. Real-life examples can make the need for planning more relatable and less abstract.
For instance, you might mention: “My friend’s parents didn’t have a power of attorney in place, and it made things so much harder when they needed medical decisions made. I’d hate for us to be in a similar situation.”
Another family I worked with had taken the time to plan ahead. When the father developed Alzheimer’s, the family knew exactly what to do and how to carry out his wishes. This preparation avoided potential conflicts and gave everyone peace of mind.
I know first hand how important knowing what your parents wishes are can be if a crisis happens. Luckily, before my dad had his stroke over twenty years, he had created his powers of attorney and living will documents. Making decisions for him when he was in a coma for three days was that much easier for my mom.
4. Break It into Small Steps
The thought of tackling all aspects of elder law at once can be overwhelming. Break the conversation into manageable pieces. Start with one topic, such as:
Creating or updating a will
Establishing powers of attorney
Discussing long-term care preferences
Once you’ve addressed one area, you can revisit the conversation later to cover others.
Lisa, another client, decided to focus first on helping her parents create a will. Once that was complete, her parents felt more comfortable moving on to discuss powers of attorney and healthcare directives. Taking it step by step made the process feel less daunting.
No one likes to be overwhelmed. And, let’s face it, talking about death, dying and disability are not fun subjects. So, start small and move forward.
Sometimes wills or trusts are less scary because we all know we are going to die at some point. Powers of attorney or long term care preferences are scarier. Why? Because we don’t like to think that we might need those documents. But, these documents are just as important to get done.
5. Involve a Trusted Professional
Sometimes, having a neutral third party can ease tension and provide clarity. Suggest meeting with an elder law attorney to answer questions and offer expert guidance. You can frame it as a learning opportunity:
“I’ve heard that elder law attorneys can really help families avoid unnecessary stress. Would you be open to a consultation?”
I recently worked with a family who had been stuck in a standstill because the adult children and parents couldn’t agree on next steps. After one consultation, we created a roadmap that satisfied everyone’s concerns. The parents felt empowered, and the children felt relieved.
Sometimes having a neutral third party, such as an elder law attorney, offering suggestions is better. I can’t tell you the number of times my clients have been surprised when their elderly parents agree to prepare a power of attorney after talking with me.
6. Focus on Their Legacy and Independence
Many parents worry that elder law planning means giving up control. Reassure them that the goal is the opposite—to preserve their autonomy and protect their legacy. Highlight how planning ahead allows them to:
Ensure their wishes are carried out
Reduce the burden on loved ones
Protect assets for future generations
Margaret, a client, shared how proud she felt knowing her plans reflected her values and priorities. Her children were grateful that she had taken the time to document her wishes, making it easier for them to honor her legacy.
I tell people all the time that the greatest gift they can give their loved ones when they die is peace of mind. It’s never easy losing someone. But, when you know what they wanted, who should get what and who should be in charge, that’s peace of mind. Instead of worrying about what you might have wanted, your loved ones can grieve you.
Let Me Help You Take the Next Step
These conversations may not always be easy, but they are worth it. As an elder law attorney in Garner, NC, I’ve helped countless families create plans that bring peace of mind and avoid unnecessary conflict. I’m here to guide you and your parents through the process with care and expertise.
Ready to start the conversation? Contact me today to schedule a free consultation. Together, we can make sure your family’s future is secure.
Ready to learn more, click on the below button to schedule a 15 minute discovery call with me. Or, you can call us at (919) 336-4219 to schedule an appointment.
Kristen Mackintosh, The Happy Lawyer
Your trusted partner in estate planning and elder law in Garner, NC.
